*I'd like to thank everyone for all the great comments on this post, and am happy to have a couple of wrestling matches in my future! Something Tekeal said really resonated with me, and was something I wish I'd put in my original post. She wrote, "...what seems essential is that we teach our children that their self-worth is not equated with their winning or losing." Couldn't agree more.*
Yesterday Adam and I ran the Toronto 1/2 marathon - my first crack at it, his second. Overall, it was a great experience. I can almost say I had fun running longer than I ever have in my life. We've been training for months, and yesterday felt a lot like a training run, except with A LOT more people and fanfare. And today feels just like the day after a long run, except ten times worse (hello, legs...we've been working together for nearly 38 years, so what's the problem?)
Leading up to the race a number of people asked if I had a time goal, or if I "just wanted to finish." I suppose that's a fair question, as simply finishing 21.1 km in one piece is definitely an accomplishment. But I am competitive. Like, push-you-to-the-ground-without-a-second-thought-to-win-musical-chairs, or angry-that-I-have-to-fake-lose-to-a-kid kind of competitive. I blame my early years as a competitive gymnast for my fierce desire to win, but the truth is I'm probably hard-wired that way. So for me, simply "finishing" the 1/2 wouldn't have been good enough. In fact, not finishing, after 5 months of training, 3 black toenails, and hours of running in crazy heat, was not even an option. So I had a time goal, based on my training runs and what I thought I could do race day. And I *almost* made it, finishing 5 minutes past my goal. Not bad. Of course, now I have to run another one and this time I want to knock 15 minutes off my race time. That's just the way I roll...er, run.
Now Adam is exactly the same, although I think he'd happily let a kid "beat" him at a friendly game of musical chairs. So as far as what we'll pass on to the kidlet? I suppose time will tell if she's hard-wired like we are, but there's no doubt we'll instill a healthy respect for competition in her.
You see, Adam and I believe that kids shouldn't just get medals for showing up. We both grew up at a time when you were either on the winning team, or the losing one. Period. These days it seems that every kid is a winner...which on the surface seems like a good thing, right? After all, imagine the boost to self-esteem kids get when they always "win." But when do they learn that life isn't always that easy? That winning at something is awesome, but losing means you get to learn some valuable lessons to carry over for the next time. Life is hard, and challenging, and certainly as adults no one is handing out medals just for showing up. So how can our kids build the confidence they need to handle both winning AND losing, gracefully and graciously?
I'm not suggesting that toddler soccer matches start handing out ribbons to only half the kids, but rather that at some point in the process, kids need to know what it feels like to lose. That they aren't "entitled" to win because they laced their sneakers and ran on the field.
So where do you sit on the winning/losing, and competition for kids/young adults thing? Feel free to disagree with me, although if you do I'd like to challenge you to a thumb wrestling match where the winner gets to be "right" ; )
13 comments:
I completely agree (which makes me a little sad because I am one fine thumb wrestler!).
It really bothers me that so many schools have done away with winning and losing. I think kids need to learn that sometimes we lose and it's okay. Pick yourself up and work to do better next time.
It scares me to think of a generation of kids growing up who don't know how to lose.
Great post!
Amen. Competition is healthy and necessary.
I'm not a competitive person by nature, except with myself! That said, I still agree that every kid shouldn't get a medal, a little competition is healthy and it's a good skill to learn to loose with grace.
Agree with you all the way. It's not just a sports thing either. I remember hearing that teachers aren't allowed to mark up a kid's homework assignment with red ink anymore. It's too negative. Seriously?!?
CONGRATS by the way on the half-marathon! That feeling that you got after running -- that's the feeling we want our kids to get after they do something worth winning an award for.
well well well....looks like i am the only one so far to have to DISagree!!!
you see - i was a competitve soccer player from the time i was 5. I was VERY good at it too - good enough to be playing internationally AND be coveted by some very good soccer clubs in Germany (where i grew up!)
However - the competitive nature of it all was SO bad that i quit when i was 17! Considering all my options I could have gone to play in the 1990 and 1994 and maybe 1998 World Cups. I may have had the chance to become a world champion soccer player!
But all that competitive nature made me dislike playing.
So NO - i dont agree with kids being SO competitive that they forget about WHY they play the sport they do or WHY they dance the dance they dance (lol).
Competitiveness is only good when our kids understand that FUN comes first - and that competitiveness is a PART of the FUN...not THE fun!
but that is just MY humble opinion :-)
Well, Mark, looks like we'll have to thumb wrestle!
I agree that sport should be fun - always. But I disagree that you can't have AND be competitive at the same time. A love of playing is critical - both to having fun and being interested in winning (in my opinion)!
And I appreciate what Marilyn had to say about school - agree that the same happens there, and think overall we need to stop coddling our kids so much. Love them, protect them as best we can, and help them get ready for what lies ahead.
when i am in TO in October we can thumb it...but i am going left handed!!! :-P
well here's my funny mix: i love playing fing-fong-fooey (thumb war) with my kids and i LOVE TO WIN; i was always very good in sports and was usually at the top of my class etc and SUFFERED GREATLY from feeling the torment of competition and others' jealousy and had to figure my way through life in how to keep connected & be my own best; then i think of my daughter livia, who has down syndrome and wonder how she will manage with certain competitions in her lifetime- granted she's an awesome runner now and can put up a good wrestling match...; and so i guess i'm left with wondering how we can learn to win and lose and include a sense of achievement, as you said- graciously- being prepared to deal with all aspects of life...? great inquiry, karma. xxx tekeal
I love to win and hate losing as does my DH and our older 2 kids have gotten that from us. Now mind you, we know that losing is a part of playing a sport or whatever and we always teach them to lose gracefully.
My son plays competitive ball hockey and plays at the Provincial Championships every summer and he absolutely hates losing. My daughter plays rep hockey and trust me, they don't win very often but they really do try very very hard.
I hope that our last little guy will learn to be competitive as well (and knowing my husband, he will) but also to learn to lose well too.
Karma, congrats to both you and Adam for running great races this weekend. You guys are awesome. I have to get my but up to do some walking. Work is taking it's toll and I'm just too tired to do anything afterwards BUT I know that I have to. Hopefully, when we get out little doggie, I can start taking he or she out for some much need walks for both of us!
Again, congrats on a job well done!
Hi Karma,
Great new blog look! I think a bit of healthy competition can be a good thing, but being overly competitive can sometimes be destructive. I say this from experience!
hi again... last night when going to bed, your theme re competition came back to me and i realised what seems essential is that we teach our children that their self-worth is not equated with their winning or losing... xx t
Competition is necessary. Children need to learn how to lose and win!
Wil is all about being # 1 and winning right now, but thanks for making me think about focusing on how to handle losing too. Very important to be able to handle both.
I agree that kids shouldn't just get medals for showing up - competition is healthy.
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