Another year goes by...

Yesterday I turned 37. It's sort of a weird age to be...heading towards the big 4-0, not close enough to 30 to still feel connected to the youth of the 20s...weird. It's a limbo age. But I'll take it. I'm not really one of those people who hates getting older. I don't play the "29+8" game, or the "I'm 29 forever" card. Why bother? We all get older, so why not age gracefully and enjoy it? I also feel grateful for every birthday, with the whole cancer thing and all. I celebrate getting older, and while I can wait for sure to hit senior citizen status, I look forward to being able to say, "I'm turning 89 today!"

I had a great day, and also started the celebration on the weekend. Adam bought me a Wii Fit for my bday - some might say an unconventional gift from hubby to wife, but I LOVE IT! For those who have not played Wii, well, it can suck up a whole lot of time. It's fun. And active. Did I mention it's a workout? I had a sore butt from the bowling (after a million lunges while bowling) and my tennis arm is killing me : )

I also celebrated with some close girlfriends and my sisters at the spa on Sunday. We also enjoyed an afternoon high tea, which was very girly and just perfect. And last night one of Addie's aunties (AC) babysat for us so Adam and I could go to dinner and a movie. It's been a great few days!

The best thing of all is that now every birthday I celebrate I get to celebrate as a mom. All previous birthdays pale in comparison now. Lucky, lucky me.

A few pictures.

I've been a bad blogger this week. I've been busy, busy, busy with a project that will stay unmentioned at this point. Anyway, here are a few pics of Addie from the past week. I can't believe how big she's getting. And fast. And talkative. And cute. It's all a little overwhelming at times, how quickly she's changing and morphing into a little person. I knew it would happen, but...well, I'm not quite ready.

As I was snuggling her tonight after her bottle I was remembering our first week together. I so wanted to feel that STRONG maternal bond many new moms seem to feel...but it just wasn't there yet. I knew myself, and I knew I had to be patient. Well, as I've mentioned in previous posts, that bond didn't take long and wow has it ever taken a hold of me. I can't even express my love for her. No words. Adam refuses to even *talk* about things like school or boys. Now I understand my parents so much better. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel about Addie when she's 36...that's 34.5 years to go! Yikes. It's honestly a little like all my heart, soul, fears, hopes, dreams, ambitions and wishes are running around outside my body, packed into 32 inches and 26 pounds.

Blogs to books.

Just a quick post for all my blog friends. Was checking out Blogger's news and saw a mention about this service, Blog2Print. Basically in a few short minutes you can turn your blog (or any part of it), including pictures and comments, into a hard or softcover book. And it's really not that expensive! Great idea for anyone hoping to turn their blog into a more permanent keepsake.

In a quick Addie update, she had her 15-month well-baby visit yesterday. She's doing awesome - 26 lbs and 32 inches, which is about the 90th percentile for both! My doctor said she's the "average size of an 18-month old" - no wonder she's wearing 18-24 month stuff : ) She also got two shots and aside from a moment of S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G, all was fine. She even waved bye to the nurses so I don't think she's holding a grudge against them for the needles.

Her communication is expanding daily - her words now include: mamma, dadda, doh (dog), bubba (bottle), up, and "hi", which she just started working on yesterday. But the most amazing thing to me is just how much she understands now. When I say we're going upstairs to change her diaper, or to get ready for "school" she just nods and heads for the stairs. She'll often walk over to her highchair when I say it's time to eat, and she nods confirmation whenever appropriate. It's very cute. She's also signing "more", "eat", "milk" and "all done" - none of which I taught her. All daycare.

She's doing great integrating into the toddler room and two weeks into it, the occasional tears have all but stopped. She's having fun with all the kids, enjoying the big outdoor space complete with sandbox, sit and push toys and cars, and this plastic playhouse that she loves. She also doing great sleeping on her little cot, and I can't believe she'll nap for 1.5 hours on that thing surrounded by 19 other kids. Crazy.

I know I'll probably jinx myself but we're in a good little routine right now. She goes to bed anywhere between 7-7:30 and sleeps until about 6:30. On the weekends she naps for about 2 hours, which has been amazing for us. Her routine is pretty predictable, which everyone said happens around this age, but it's so nice. Now of course as soon as I've written about how "nice" this routine is, it will change. This is always the way it goes, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

So that's the short update. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

What to do...what to do...Part 2!

Thanks for all the awesome suggestions everyone! I thought I would pass the wisdom along and post a list of all the ideas people sent me. Hope this list inspires some great weekend adventures for those of you with little ones.

• Pet stores
• Library (or Chapters if they have a good kid's section)
• Arenas - hockey games (lots of hallways to run around in!)
• Public swimming
• Tobogganing
• Play dates with other kids
• Ontario Science Centre
• Early Years drop-in Centres
• Kitchen playtime - baking, peanut-butter playdough, rice krispy squares
• Farms / Conservation areas: Brooks Farms, Bronte Creek, Chudleigh's, Riverdale Farm
  
• Gymboree or other indoor play gyms
• Making snowmen / snow angels
• Fingerpainting (our daycare used shaving cream with some colouring and pudding) - one suggestion was to use a cookie tray to keep it contained (great idea!)
  
• Local gymnastics club for mat play and a big area to run around in
• Grocery store adventures - check out the lobsters, make it a game to shop
• Hide and Seek
• Dress up
• Tea party
• Picnics
• Our daycare also used to take the kids to a local pet groomer
  
• Farmer's markets
• Zoo
• Butterfly conservatory
  

And here's a list a friend (thanks CJ!) put together for Toronto-area places to go:

• Conservation parks www.trca.ca , www.thehillsofheadwaters.com , www.creditvalleycons.com , www.hrca.on.ca
• Kortright Centre
  
• Bronte Provincial Park
• Farms: Downey’s, Springridge, Andrew’s Scenic Acres, Chudleigh’s
• Canadian Air & Space Museum
  
• Parks Canada Discovery Centre
  
• Country Heritage Park
• Royal Botanical Gardens
• Evergreen Brickworks
• High Park
  

Weekend photos

Thanks for the cute hat auntie J, uncle D and cousins E & G! I like to wear it for about 5 seconds, and then I like to rip it off : ) We're working on it.

Wandering the beach with Daddy.

Chasing my shadow.

Come on - let's go!

A thoughtful look at the sand...

Swings with Daddy.

The calm after the storm...there was SCREAMING when we left the beach.

I LOVE bananas. Really. Truly. Can't get enough.

What to do...what to do...

There have been a few weekends this summer when Adam and I sit on the couch with our morning coffee and wonder, "What should we do today?" In the past (pre-Addie) our weekends would generally consist of errands - after a busy work week it was all about the trips to Home Depot, the grocery store, and wherever else we needed to go to get stuff done. Now that we have Addie this of course has totally changed. Generally there is a grocery store trip on the weekend, but now it's with a squirmy 15-month old and it has become more of a race to see how quickly I can get through my list and get out of there. I inevitably end up with at least one box of cereal bars, or a bag of cheese sticks, open as I check out - it's all about the snacks : )

These days when we have a free weekend day we'd obviously prefer to spend it as a family. Family time is scarce during the week, or is filled with 'chores' of daily life, and so the weekends are where it's at for us. But what I've really learned this summer is that it's tough to find things to do with a 13/14/15-month old - her attention span is about 20 seconds, and she doesn't understand the whole "Don't run away from Mommy and Daddy!" thing yet, and a lot of the "family fun" stuff just isn't appropriate for her age. So we often end up walking through High Park, visiting the little zoo there, or visiting with friends (some who have kids and some who don't), or strolling around our neighbourhood with ice cream, or hanging out in our backyard...nice, but after a while, a little boring. We did have a great day at the Toronto zoo when we went in May, and we'll probably do that again soon, but that definitely isn't an every weekend kind of activity.

I can't wait until we can go to the Science Centre, Ontario Place, Canada's Wonderland, the ROM...but she definitely needs to be at least a year or two older to really start to appreciate those places. And because they all cost $$, if she's not all that into it, it could be a pretty expensive weekend venture.

So I'm blogging today looking for ideas for this age group...particularly for when the weather starts to turn cold and we need more indoor-type stuff to do. How do you spend your weekends with your little ones? What kind of activities keep them happy?

A lovely, long weekend.

We had a great long weekend - we decided not to brave the crowds to head up north and instead stuck around home. On Friday night Addie and I went to the EX (the Canadian National Exhibition) and spent a couple of hours hanging out there with the Vanderwels. It was fun, but a lot of work with just me (Adam couldn't join us). Part of the problem is that Addie isn't all that interested in sitting in her stroller if she has the option to walk. Needless to say we had a few battles trying to get her back in the stroller after she'd been out - luckily Krista and some Teddy Grahams came to the rescue! The EX isn't great for a 14-month old because there's so much of it that she can't really enjoy, but she did love the petting zoo. At first she was freaked out by the animals, particularly when they were eating from my hand, but after about 10 minutes she was loving it. There was a llama just hanging out, lying down, and Addie bravely went right up to it and was petting its ear. Then at one point she was in the middle of the little make shift barn, surrounded by goats who were licking her hands and she was just laughing! She looked like the goat whisperer - too cute : )

We also had brunch with friends, went to a family BBQ, enjoyed a few jogs through High Park, had a good friend over for dinner...and relaxed. It was awesome. Here are a few pictures of our weekend!

Our little yogi.

I have a secret...

Mommy snuggles.

I love my auntie and uncle!

Checking out the garden.

I picked a flower for you, Mommy!

Lounging like a big girl.

Just one more fry...please, just one more...

Trying to catch a fish with Mommy at the EX.

We're sticking.

When it became clear we may have to put our 'plan' of 2 kiddies to rest, we agreed to spend the summer living with that decision. To try it on for size and see how it felt. That was an important exercise for us, to get off the wheel of "but the dream, the dream!" and live with our reality instead of a future unknown plan.

And to be honest, I feel like I learned a lot through this process. I don't think there will ever be a part of me that doesn't wonder...could we have had another with that one lone embryo? How would we, and Addie, have been different with another child in the mix? Did we miss out on even greater happiness? It's not dissimilar to the feelings I sometimes have, the regret, of not being able to carry a baby. I still look at pregnant women with envy - it's certainly fading, but it's still there.

But what I've realized is that the experience of having a child, of being a mom, is what was most important to me. And that experience isn't any different because you have one child or ten - you are still a mom (or a dad) regardless of the number of children you have. So I have found a lot of peace with that realization. I am one of those people who has often said, "I'd do (almost) anything once just for the experience..." and I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to be Addie's mom. I don't need anything else over and above that.

I think I've mentioned this before but a friend of a friend had a theory that you aren't really a parent until you have at least two children. For the record, I vehemently disagree and would like to debate this with this individual if we were ever in the same room. Their theory is that until you have to 'split' yourself between kids, to try and manage the needs of more than one of them, you can't understand what being a parent is truly about. Now I have a sense this person had no fertility problems, and the debate in their house was probably more about "when should we stop?" I also would guess that this is a convenient "theory" to have when there is guilt about not being able to give both kids your full attention all the time. Clever. But also, not true. I think most people would agree that you fully grasp what it means to be a "parent" the moment a child enters your life - regardless of whether you birthed, adopted, or achieved parenthood through another method like surrogacy.

Another realization Adam and I have had through the "summer of one" is that life will be somewhat 'easier' for us with one child. Addie was worth every single penny (and then some!), but it was a very expensive endeavor to become parents. And the emotional toll was even greater. It was also very hard for my sister and her family - to have to sacrifice for a year to help us realize our dream (which they did without hesitation and with total love and commitment). We now have the opportunity to put a lot of that behind us - to move forward towards our future as a family of three (well, four with Quincy of course!) For me, the idea of another surrogacy and going through all that again really kept me in the past - in the world of cancer, and all the reasons why I can't be the one to do this for us etc. etc. There's a lot of weird guilt in that world, even though I know I can't hold myself at all responsible for the difficulties we've had. Regardless, I don't like that part of my past. It is definitely part of me, and has added to who I am today in a positive way, but I'm very ready to leave it behind.

We are content with this decision, and have made the choice to stop. We've made the choice, not had it made for us. Because even though the chance of us achieving another success is slim, there is always a chance. So we will stick with one. Our amazing one.

Patience, patience, patience...

I have none. I generally am somewhat lacking in the patience department, but these days I have zero. Except for Addie. She's getting every last little shred of patience I have and as for everyone else...well, you're @#!$ out of luck!

Patience, as I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts, is not my forte. What's happening these days is that after I've taken care of Addie (get her up, bottled, dressed, fed, entertained, off to 'school'), and worked a full day, and raced home to take care of Addie (get her fed, entertained, bathed, bottled, and to bed), and Quincy, and make dinner...well, you get the picture. I'm tapped out. Luckily Adam is home by 6pm Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, so there is help with all the above those days. But the mornings are all me, Monday-Friday, and by the end of the week I feel like I need a vacation : )

My lack of patience really shows up in a few key places:
1) When I'm driving. If someone won't let me merge in, I throw a small fit. There's swearing, and I'm embarrassed to admit, often a finger gesture or two. I mean really - why won't people let others merge in? I get it if you've jumped to the front of the line and then try, but if you are following all the "rules"...it angers me to no end. Now the swearing and angry gestures must stop. Immediately. Addie shouldn't be party to that, and she's at an age where she picks up on that kind of stuff and will probably start imitating us soon...and if her first word is "F_ _ K" then I am in BIG BIG BIG trouble. So I'm going to put the classical music back on in the car and try to find my zen zone while I drive. We'll see how that goes.

2) In the evening - poor Adam. If he isn't instantly on my wavelength some nights (and really, when are men and women ever totally on the SAME wavelength?) I become "unpleasant". It might go something like this:
Adam: Where's the barbeque sauce?
Me: In the fridge... where it's always been (this last part is under my breath)
Adam: I don't see it.
Me: Are you actually looking for it? (exasperated sigh)
Adam: It's not in here.
Me: It's in there - get out of the way and I'll find it. See? It's right here, in the door, where it's always been.

Now of course this doesn't happen every night. Adam understands me and generally knows how to avoid me if I'm feeling less-than-patient. But I do feel bad that I don't always have patience for even the simplest of things.

3) When I'm walking the dog with the stroller, or running with Addie and the stroller. People are endlessly in my way. And really, they're doing nothing wrong at all. They're out for a leisurely stroll, enjoying the weather and each other's company while they window shop or take up the entire sidewalk. I, however, am not out for a leisurely anything. I am on a mission.

I know myself and I know this will simply be a phase. Life is busy, and I'm being stretched in a lot of different directions. This is all part of it, being a mom, and wife, and employee - you actually can't do everything 100% all the time. It just isn't possible. So I'm learning to cut myself a little slack in certain areas, which has been a good exercise for me.