We are definitely sleep deprived.

No question about it - we need sleep. Actually, what we need is more than 2 hours of sleep in a row. We're SO looking forward to that stage, when she can go 4-5 hours between feeding...OMG that would be awesome. The other night when Adam woke me up to say "It's time" (for feeding that is) I responded with "Well, she's going to have to get better at it before I feed her again." I was in the half awake, half asleep state, where you can hear yourself talking but haven't quite realized it doesn't make a lot of sense. Two nights ago Adam tried to take the alarm clock to the nursery instead of the baby. Yeah, we need some sleep.

I look forward to the mornings, when the sun comes up, I have coffee brewing, she sleeps in our arms on our front porch, and Adam and I can just hang out with the wonderful quiet. It's a very special time in our house these days : )

We also think Addie is going through a growth spurt - yesterday morning/early afternoon she wanted to feed CONSTANTLY, and then she conked out for about 5 hours. Asleep to the point where we had the thermometre out (we're first-time parents remember), worried that she was sleepy because there was something wrong. She did wake up for two, 10-minute nursing sessions in there, but that was it. We should have been enjoying her peacefulness, but instead we were a little stressed about what it could mean. Sigh. It meant nothing - she was just tired. In baby weight news she did gain about 4 oz since Wednesday, so she's working her way up there. We love our baby scale - everyone said it would make us paranoid but it's actually helped us feel better and more in control. Do what works, right?

Here are a couple of pics before I sign off - the kidlet is waking and it's almost time for another milk store visit. We love this first one - have a look at her middle finger. How hilarious is that?



I finally got a couple of pictures of me and Addie when she isn't attached to my boob !



And this is Adam and Addie enjoying our backyard.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Day 16: Addie Mae

Addison turned 2 weeks this past Wednesday - Adam and I think it feels more like a month. Not in a bad way, just that she's been in our lives longer than only 2 weeks. Adam's convinced it feels longer simply because our sleep has been cut in half...

She's getting cuter every day, even though we don't think it's possible for her to get any cuter - and we're starting to see hints of a personality, which is awesome. She loves Coldplay, particularly "Green Eyes", which is a song her daddy played on his guitar for her while she was in Jenn's belly. She truly calms right down and will go to sleep with a little rocking once we put it on. Needless to say, it's been played a lot lately! In fact, this afternoon I played "Green Eyes" 12 times in a row before she would totally settle down. Not sure why this is, but whenever Adam has to go to a meeting, or is working, and it's just the two of us, she wants to eat constantly and fuss. This afternoon Adam was gone for about an hour and a half - Addie and I listened to Coldplay while I rocked her for about half that time, and the other half we were feeding. I was feeding her when Adam left - and I was feeding her when he came back. *Sigh* Now the two of them are having a nap on the couch. It's very peaceful in our house at the moment and I have to admit I'm a little bitter than she's being such a good girl for her dad but wouldn't even give me 5 minutes to eat my lunch earlier : )

Addie's officially (well, on our scale that we rented and have taken a lot of flack for renting) back to her birth weight which is exciting. She's just slightly behind on the weight gain but is doing great and we're supplementing her with the $#$#%#!@ (insert bad word) tube a few times a day. Apparently at about 6 weeks the nipple confusion thing lessens so if we still have to supplement, it will be easier to go to bottles and I can say goodbye to this tube. I did, however, manage to do it all by myself earlier - I had the bottle held under my bra strap, the tube taped to my boob, and my free hand working very hard to get her to latch on while also keeping her arms out of the way. She has crazy hands - they're ALWAYS at her mouth when I'm trying to get her to latch.

We also experienced the most interesting and horrifying diaper change yet yesterday - interesting because it was a feat to make poo fly across the room like that, and horrifying because it took practically an entire package of wipes to get it off everything. It was on the walls, the outlets, her baby monitor, the change table, the floor, the basket with her diapers, her actual diapers, the kleenex box (which had to be thrown out)...it went absolutely everywhere. Addie shot poo from one side of her room to the other - no kidding, it hit the wall over where her crib is. I've never seen anything like it. My stepmom and dad were there at the time and my stepmom admitted she'd never seen anything like it (and she has two kids). If it wasn't so gross, we would have taken a picture just to prove it!

My mom has gone back home now after spending some days with us, helping us stay sane (she cooked amazing meals and totally revamped our garden - so great!), and my dad and stepmom came yesterday for a visit and to fill in our garden at the front of our house. Now our gardens look beautiful and we haven't had to do a thing. Such a treat. Jenna was also here today for a visit - her kids come back home this afternoon after spending two weeks with their grandparents in Ottawa, and I know she's looking forward to seeing them again. She and Addie had a visit today and Jenn left us a bag of breastmilk. She's pumping up a storm! Between everything I had pumped before Addie's arrival, and what Jenn's pumping now, both our freezers are totally full. No room even for ice cubes in mine anymore.

Adam and I are going to try to have a glass of wine tonight and watch a movie - should be interesting. We can probably swing it, as long as we don't mind breaks for diaper changes and such things. Our new "normal" : )

Happy long weekend to those celebrating - hope you have a great one!

LONG night last night.

So today we're tired. Addie Mae decided sleep was not important last night - at least until around 4am when her dad finally caved and brought her into bed with him. Again with the co-sleep issue...I think I've mentioned we're not into the co-sleeping FOR US (no judgment on anyone else though). Just makes us too nervous. When I'm sleeping, I'm ASLEEP - it used to take me a while to fall asleep, but once I'm there watch out. It takes a lot to get me up. I don't have those "mommy ears" yet, and I'm fairly positive there's a reasonable chance I would roll over too close to my daughter, or pull the massive comforter up over both of us. Adam is a much lighter sleeper - he hears everything, hence the reason the cradle is on his side right now.

Last night Addie just wouldn't chill out. She peed on her miracle blanket (we were panic stricken) so we tried to swaddle her in one we 'borrowed' from the hospital. Now, Adam is an expert swaddler - he wraps her up like a tiny baby burrito. Fort Knox of the swaddle. But last night she managed to poke her arm out within 30 seconds after being swaddled. Not good. So we ended up waiting for the miracle blanket to be *almost* dry and used it. It worked but still not perfect for some reason last night. It was only when Adam brought her to bed (on his side, carefully positioned) that she finally, and we finally, went to sleep.

It seems like just when we think we're getting into a 'routine', she throws us for a loop. Get used to it, right?

Had our doctor's appointment today and Addie's doing great. Doctor would still like to see her gaining a bit more so we're upping the supplementation a bit (every other feed), which means longer feeds and a little less "free" time for me. I hope we don't have to continue this supplementation for long...the whole tube thing is not that easy to use and it would be practically impossible to use "out". That would take breastfeeding in public to a whole new level.

In other baby news, her belly button fell off! It happened a few days ago but I forgot to post about it (does anyone really care about Addie's belly button? Probably not.) - luckily it fell off in her sleeper. We were worried it would pop off one day and Quincy would end up batting it around and then probably eating it. Disgusting, but this dog will eat practically anything.

Ok, it's feeding time again. I'm pretty much feeling like a cow these days. Adam has taken to calling me "Dairy Queen" for fun - don't know if I should be offended or just accept that it's a fitting nickname...

Hope everyone is having a great day.
Talk soon,
Karma

The faces of Addison...

Here are a couple of pics of our little Addie Mae - I'll write more later when we're back from our doctor's appointment.


In this first one, she has this look on her face like "Gotcha!" When you read the onesie, it all makes sense.
And this one is her "poo" face - we finally caught it on film!

Hope everyone is doing well - chat with you later.
Karma

To sleep or not to sleep...

Everyone always says, "Sleep when the baby sleeps." But how does that really work? When she's sleeping I'm either:

1. Not tired
2. Trying to get something to eat
3. Taking a shower
4. Catching up on email/phone calls/my blog
5. Hanging out with Adam
6. Cleaning up as much as I can
7. and on, and on...

I should add that I'm a bad napper to begin with - apparently when I was a baby I would cry until I threw up when my mom would try to put me down for a nap. I distinctly remember public school, lying there with my eyes closed but not asleep, and hating the school-imposed naptime. I'm not even crazy about having to sleep at night, although now I do miss that sleep a little : ) I just have lots of other things I'd rather be doing than sleeping. Call me crazy. Maybe that's why the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn hasn't been the hardest part (did I mention it was the breastfeeding? LOL).

So this whole, nap when the baby naps thing just won't work for me. And in the last 2 weeks, I can't think of a time when that would have worked, even based on Addie's schedule. I mean, she sleeps, but not always very predictably or all that soundly (like right now - she keeps squirming and squeaking in her playpen). So while it's a nice idea, don't think it's gonna happen in the Brown household.

On the breastfeeding thing, just got back from our appointment at the Newman clinic. Not much to report, aside from Addie being a superstar while we were there (she did this last time too). She latched beautifully, drank beautifully, and fell asleep on my chest after she finished. Picture perfect. Now if only she could "perform" like that at 3am!

Ok, the squeaking is starting to get to a point where it's time to get her out of there. And I'm sure it's time for a diaper change (we go through, like, 10-12 diapers a day easy) - she has the poop face going on.

Hope everyone is doing well - Jenna is working on a post so I'll get that up soon.
Talk soon!

To soothe or not to soothe...with a soother that is.

Addie is definitely going to be a soother baby. She LOVES to suck on our fingers, and her own fingers, and her own hand, and her thumb when she can get it in her mouth, and her blanket, and our hands... you get the idea. She needs a pacifier, pronto. But all the advice we get out there, particularly from the lactation consultants, is to wait. Not to give a soother until she's at least 4-6 weeks old.

Adam and I are trying to figure out why a pacifier is so different from our finger - I think they're concerned again about the whole nipple confusion thing, but no milk comes out of either the pacifier or our finger (unless of course we're finger feeding her). Now we did have some issues when we gave her the bottle to supplement (she became a VERY lazy latcher), so we definitely don't want to screw that up again, but a pacifier would give us our hand back and that would be excellent. Thoughts from those with experience? Pacifier or no pacifier? When did you introduce one if you did. I'm conducting an unofficial poll here. I'd also like to know if you were breastfeeding AND using a pacifier, and if that caused any issues.

As for the breastfeeding, well, it's getting better. She latches on more easily but is still a bit lazy. She likes to take a nap partway through her meal, which makes for a very long feeding session and makes me a little crazy. I've tried lots of ways to wake her up: we feed her pretty much exclusively only in her diaper (to keep her cool), I tickle her feet, her chin, her back, her armpits (she hates this), her belly, I blow on her face and neck. All with some success but nothing that will keep her up if she's determined to sleep. I definitely don't hate breastfeeding as much as I did before - actually, I don't hate it at all now, just find that it requires a LOT of my patience. Occasionally, at 3am, I do have to count to 10 just so I don't give up and end her feed on my schedule, not hers.

We did rent a scale for a couple of weeks to track her weight - everyone tried to tell us we didn't need to do this, but we disagreed. It gives us peace of mind. So far she's gained a few ounces this week but not quite enough, so we're supplementing her a little during the day again (we had stopped after the overfeeding situation - decided to see if she could get what she needs from me alone). I nurse her on both sides and then we finger feed her with the little tube (a specified amount). Works like a charm and hopefully she'll gain a little more quickly now. Someone (Amy?) asked about the lactation aid and what it looks like so here's a photo from one of the breastfeeding sites (asklenore.com):


Basically the tube runs from the bottle filled with the supplement (which is supposed to conveniently tuck into your cleavage - looks easier than it is) to the end of the nipple, and it gets taped in place. So the baby is breastfeeding AND getting milk from the tube at the same time. However, Adam and I have found that when we do it this way Addie gets even more lazy because really, she doesn't have to work that hard to get the milk (it flows pretty easily from the tube, even though it's tiny). So we're now doing the finger feeding method instead (imagine the same scenario, just the tube gets taped to your finger and when the baby sucks your finger they're also sucking the milk). Hopefully we don't have to do this indefinitely but we'll see how the weight gain and my production go. Only time will tell.

So that's it for this Monday morning - it's almost time for her mid-morning snack so I'd better go and get myself organized before she wakes up. When she's hungry, she goes from 0-100 in a split second, just like her daddy : )

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

A few ramblings, 10 days in...

Another quiet moment - feels like there are so few of these, that I'm taking advantage to write a little bit. Everyone keeps telling me to nap when she naps, but to be honest, I'm just not a "napper" to begin with and I'm never overly tired when she's sleeping. It's the middle of the night I wish I could get back : )

Can't believe she's 10 days old, and also can't believe it's only been 10 days...the days are blurring a little at this point, being on a 24-hour clock. Every time I think we're settling into a routine she throws me for a loop - today she's eating every hour and a half, which is making for a busy day. But we did go for a walk this morning (albeit a short, short one), and Jenna and D'arcy came for a couple of hours so Adam and I could go for a walk on our own and grab a coffee sans-baby. After the first 10 minutes I started to relax and we had some nice alone time - very important. I miss our alone time a bit - we always seem to have a baby between us. I get why it's so necessary to make a conscious effort to focus on being a couple who also happen to be parents, not the other way around.

A few people asked where we got Addie's name from - the truth is it came out of a baby book. When we first found out we were having a girl (the first guess), we went to Chapters and started looking at names. We already had a shortlist, but weren't sold on a name yet. Then we saw Addison, loved it, and especially loved the fact that it means "Child of Adam". How perfect is that? I do want to add that she was NOT named after the Grey's A.natomy character, for those of you who are Grey's fans. Just a coincidence. We also loved that it could be shortened to a cute nickname, but that her full name would work well for her as an adult. Her middle name, Mae, is a family name. It's my great-grandmother's first name and Adam's mom's middle name. Seemed fitting.

Jenna is working on a post about how she's doing and I'll post it as soon as she's finished. Just saw her today and she looks awesome - you would never guess she gave birth 10 days ago. She looks really great.

One of the things I've been meaning to write about is the whole bonding issue. I remember asking questions about the bond, and if it would be there at the beginning, based on how we came to be her parents. The bond for me with Addie has been interesting - the moment I saw her I felt a huge swell of love, and then a major sense of responsibility settled over me. For a few days she almost didn't feel like mine, except for the responsibility thing. Now, 10 days in, she definitely feels like my little girl, and our bond has grown stronger. I don't know if it wasn't totally solidified at the beginning because she wasn't in my belly, and I didn't have 9 months to "get to know her" before she got here. I'm definitely one of those people who needs some time to "fall in love" - I really am so looking forward to getting to know my little girl, and to watch her grow.

What I "know" about her already is that she has slightly curly hair when she comes out of her bath, she makes an Austin Pow.ers face (pursed lips, eyes wide open) when she's working on filling her diaper, she has absolutely no tolerance for a dirty diaper, even for 5 minutes, she loves Coldplay (her daddy plays this on his guitar constantly), she squeaks when she's sleeping, she gets the hiccups at least once a day, she loves to snuggle on her daddy's chest, she loves sucking fingers, including her own, and she has the most perfect little lips I've ever seen. We're having so much fun, getting to "know" her.

A few pics...I'll post later

Apparently you CAN overfeed a breastfed baby...

Ok, so everything I read and heard says you CANNOT overfeed a breastfed baby - they simply won't take more than they need. Well, we had a night that proves otherwise! Now in fairness, we were using the lactation device, the tube, to supplement her feedings yesterday, so it wasn't like she just went overboard on the breast. Nice image: me, breastfeeding Addie with a tiny tube scotch taped to my breast, holding the bottle of milk in my cleavage. Isn't that a beautiful picture?

Anyway, I had fed her first and then she still seemed hungry (I've decided that newborns just look hungry about 30% of the time, even if they aren't. All the hunger signs are also soothing signs: the hand in mouth, the tongue sticking out...very hard to determine what's what. Wish they came with a gas gauge!) so my mom and I set up the tube and bottle contraption to "top her up". She guzzled about an ounce and a quarter in no time - I even commented "How can you eat so much? Your belly is only the size of a walnut..." We just figured she was extra hungry. What do I know? I've only been doing this for 8 days! About two hours later she was inconsolable with a belly that looked like she'd swallowed a mini beach ball. Oh the guilt. I stuffed my kid too full and she's only 8 days old. What a great mom eh?

So of course we called TeleHealth (does every new mom have this on speed dial? For those not in Ontario, this is a phone service where you can talk to nurses about symptoms and they give you advice) and their suggestion was to take her to the ER because of the bloating. I don't think so. No way were we taking our newborn to an emergency room filled with god knows what. So we also called Nadine, who suggested some soothing techniques which seemed to help. It was a rough few hours, and the heartbreak of not being able to calm your baby down is brutal. But she ended up settling down finally and we actually had an ok night. Needless to say, our little monkey will not be getting topped up quite the same way again (meaning free flowing tube - the amount will be carefully monitored from now on).

Thanks for all the comments about BF - it really helps to know that not everyone "loves" it from the beginning. All those posters up in the BF clinics, with the smiling moms gazing down at their adorable babies...yeah, we'll get there hopefully, but those images do not help when you're struggling. You feel like you're missing something. So it was good to hear I'm not alone!

Someone had also asked how Quincy was doing. I'd say he's adjusting very well, and is just slightly ticked off that he isn't the centre of attention anymore. He seems to really like Addie, and always wants to give her kisses (with his tail wagging so we know he's happy). He's also very concerned with her, where she is, what she's doing, and stands guard when she has the hiccups or is crying. It's very cute.

I'm going to post some more pics later today - we think she might be starting to look more like Adam, which of course he loves.

Happy Friday everyone!

Addie Mae - Day 8: The world of breastfeeding

I have a few moments so I'm going to take advantage of a quiet house and get a post in. I can't believe what a luxury it feels like to be sitting here with my computer and a coffee, and no one attached to my nipples! So because I brought it up, I'll start with the breastfeeding. It's safe to say that I'm not enjoying breastfeeding - there are times when I *might* even say I'm hating it. I can imagine how bonding it will be (sort of), but right now it's the furthest thing from being bonding. I guess I just didn't think too hard before she was here about what the experience was ACTUALLY going to be like. And I thought pumping was all-consuming!

BREASTFEEDING.IS.HARD. She latches well sometimes, not great other times, and not at all a few times a day. She falls asleep sometimes right after she latches on. We do a bit of a tug of war dance trying to get her to latch on. And because I'm breastfeeding probably 12 of every 24 hours these days, it feels like a pretty massive commitment. Now it is adorable when she latches perfectly, and tucks her little fist under her chin, and closes her eyes...ahhh. Those are the glory times. I just wish there were more of them.

I am getting help from Nadine and the Newman clinic (thank god there are lactation consultants out there - I only wish Adam was a lactation consultant!), so that helps to keep me going. Also, Adam and my mom have been awesome trying to help and be supportive, but at the end of the day, it's really up to me and Addie Mae.

The bigger issue started when we had our doctor's appointment and found she had lost some weight. So we needed to supplement her a bit (using the frozen breast milk I stored during the 6 weeks I pumped and Jenna's newly pumped stores) using that Adiri bottle. Big mistake. Even though lots of babies seem to go between breast and bottle with no problem, not our Addie Mae. She likes breastfeeding - the bottle is just an annoyance to her, and it's also a really easy way to get her food (she doesn't have to work that hard). So then the latch started suffering. Sigh. What a production. So now we've ditched the $33 bottle and we're using a tiny tube that the milk flows down. She still has to suck to get it which means she won't *forget* what it's like to have to latch on and do some work. So far it's working well but it is a bit of a production and requires two people.

Anyway, that's what happening with breastfeeding. I realize this is not the sexiest of topics (although I suppose there's no real *sexy* topic in babyland) but seeing as it's the thing I'm doing the most right now, I'm a little obsessed. I did say that I wanted to breastfeed to feel "normal" - like any other new mom. Apparently the struggles we're having are "normal" - so I guess I got what I wished for : )

The sleep thing is going ok and we find that we're getting between 4-6 hours per night, just broken up into 2 hour chunks. The lactation consultants at the Newman clinic recommended not using the swaddle blanket...big mistake. We tried for one night, for like 2 hours, and gave up. She was such a squirmy little bundle without her swaddle and kept banging and kicking the sides of her cradle. No one was sleeping! Now we have the routine of changing her, feeding her, swaddling her (yes, it takes two of us at the moment to do all these things), and then setting our alarm for two hours later to do it all again.

The other night Adam had set his alarm and at 3am Lenny Kra.vitz started blaring. Usually Adam is so quick to hit the off button, but for some reason he was fumbling around and not turning it off. I was going crazy, listening to Lenny at 3am, and kept saying, "What are you doing? Just turn it off!" He was mad at me for bugging him because he just couldn't get it off. So then he took Addie to the nursery and I got ready to feed her. On the floor in the nursery is Adam's bedside table lamp. I wasn't sure why he had brought it in but figured maybe he thought we needed more light? Anyway, turns out he had been fumbling with the lamp, twisting the bulb and trying to turn off the alarm by turning off the lamp...yeah. We're tired. He was so frustrated that the alarm wouldn't stop that he unplugged the "alarm" which was actually his lamp, and took it with him and Addie to the nursery. He didn't even realize he'd done that until the next time we got up to feed. We had a good laugh over that. In fact, the lamp is still sitting in the nursery. We'll get around to putting it back in its regular spot soon.

Ok, have to run and get back to being a mommy. Hope everyone is doing well. Once again, I'm sorry I'm not responding to the comments individually at the moment but I do read all of them and appreciate every single one.

I'll post more pics later today (hopefully!).

No time to post but here's a pic.

I'm going to work on a post hopefully for tomorrow (we'll see how tonight goes!) because I have lots to say but no time to get it down right now. But I thought I'd post a pic of Addie, hanging with Quincy, on her muffin mat. I knew she'd love it! Quincy loves it too, as you can see from the picture.


We're all hanging in there, feeling pretty worn out but enjoying our little girl. I hear it all turns around by 4-6 weeks...please tell me that's true. When you're only 1 week in, another 4-5 weeks sounds like FOREVER. Ok, have to go and eat and get ready to give Addie her dinner too : )

Hope everyone is doing great - please catch a few zzzzs for Adam and me.

Adjusting to life with a newborn...

Addie is 6 days old now - almost a week. I truly have no idea where the week has gone. I've never felt less productive in any given day than I do now - although I know that my only job right now is taking care of Addie Mae, so (for the most part) I'm ok with a little less productivity : )

My mom has arrived to help us out which has been awesome - that extra set of hands...can't beat it. She's also cooked up a storm for us (did I mention I hadn't had a vegetable or piece of fruit since I got home?) and has helped me keep my house organized. It has taken a huge weight off of me, and I love having her here.

We've had two doctor's appointments since we've been home and Addie is doing great. She was a little jaundiced but that seems to have peaked - her early pictures just make her look like she spent the winter in Florida with the snowbirds. She has that slight orange-tanned look to her, but it should be fading soon. She's also lost a little more weight so we're supplementing her feeds with some of the pumped breastmilk I have (Jenna is also pumping for us so Addie will be supplemented with BM all the way along). I got this crazy bottle called the Adi.ri breast nurser. We're calling it Betty, the third breast in our house : ) Even though it costs $33 (yes folks, $33 for a baby bottle), so far it's working well and looks more like a breast than any other bottle (trying to avoid the whole nipple confusion issue.) Sleep has been, well, a little choppy. She has to be fed at night every 2.5-3 hours, and it takes about an hour, so really we're getting about an hour of solid sleep in between feeds. I'd guess around 4-5 hours per night. Not bad, but definitely makes for some tired parents. We have a system worked out where Adam gets up to change her diaper and then I get up to feed her and Adam goes back to bed until she's done. Then we swaddle her up in the mira.cle blanket (which we love by the way - Adam is getting over the 'baby straightjacket-I'm-not-using-this thing').

The one thing I'm finding the toughest is how often I have to feed her, and because she's still so wee, how long it takes her to finish. I realized yesterday that I spent about 12 of 24 hours breastfeeding in any given day. Yikes. That's why I never feel like I can get anything done!

But all in all, we're doing great. We're learning her little faces and are getting better at knowing what she needs (although we can't quite figure out how to help her during her 3am 'witching hour'). All in good time...

Ok, have to go and feed her (again). Hope everyone is doing great. Thanks for all the comments and advice - even though I can't reply to everyone at the moment, I read all the comments and really appreciate them : )

Four Days Of Fatherhood (Adam's Post)

Karma, Addie and I had a pretty rough patch last night. She screamed (or as my dad would say Squecked) from 9-12. It felt like a pretty hopeless situation when she was rooting around for a feeding, screaming too much to even try, and with 18 feedings yesterday the boobie milk gauge was on "E". Three hours of this took a pretty good toll on Karma and I, but we tried to take turns soothing her and we came through it ok. At the stroke of midnight Addie decided to have a giant poop (the sort of never ending poop that uses what seems like endless diapers). At this point it had been long enough that the boobie milk store had restored some of its inventory and she had a little feed.

I am beginning to understand some of the choices that people make with their children. Just four days ago I would look at a situation with logic and rational thought, but this fails to consider the most powerful force driving decisions when it comes to a newborn. That force as I see it, is the gut wrenching stress that you feel when she screams as loud as she can, turns red and begins to quiver uncontrollably. In the light of three hours of having my "guts wrenched", last night turned out to be a night of contradictions. In order to stop the insanity I did two things I had already sworn off. The first was the use of a baby straight jacket (Karma has been a big fan of this invention) called the Miracle Blanket. As a Physiotherapist and new dad, I felt the only miracle would be her successfully achieving normal motor function after sleeping in this thing. But at midnight, after a long stretch of screaming I was willing to give it a shot and it was like we hit the mute button.....she loved it. The second contradiction was in our sleeping arrangement. Being terrified of SIDS, I was certain I would never have Addie sleeping in our bed. However, this was the only way she would have it last night, so I constructed a SIDS proof surface on our bed and there she lay...our quiet little girl. The bottom line is that as I contemplate this fathers day I am realizing that I know very little about my new role. But Addison has taught me a few things in our short time together, so here they are;

1) Crying can be one of two things...something needs to go in, or something needs to come out.

2) Everything that looks like it is wrong, is normal and will go away soon. The trick is trying to get yourself to believe that (Impossible).

3) Surprisingly, I can function on 10% of the sleep that I formerly thought that I "needed"

4) Everyone on the road is suddenly a complete idiot, and there is danger everywhere.

This is what I have learned in four days. I wonder what I will learn today.

I am lucky because I know many great fathers to learn from (I should have been taking notes long ago). There is D'Arcy, who is a bit of a super dad, and I am now in awe of how he always seems to know what to do for his kids. There is my brother Mike, who has successfully implemented every strategy that we all learned in intro to child Psych - but have long forgotten. Sure when you ring their doorbell Wynne stats to drool uncontrollably, but you should see how quickly and easily he can get her to do what he wants. There is Bob (Karma's dad who seems to be able to solve just about anything with unconditional love. And lastly there is my grand poobah of Fatherhood, my dad. He has attained the seventh level of fatherhood.....omnipresence. Still at 31 I ask myself what he would do in a situation several times a week. He struck an amazing balance between, love, play and discipline that I am in awe of and hope to emulate with Addison some day. Thanks Dad.

That's it for me.....I am going to spend my day playing with my girls.

Happy Fathers day everyone.

The story of her birth...

I've been waiting for a quiet moment to sit down and write this post, and think it may have come. We're between feed 11 & 12 in a 24-hour period at the moment, so I'm going to steal a little of that precious quiet hour. Currently I dread the breastfeeding a little (although it's so cute when she latches on *properly* and just snuggles in) because it feels like she has tiny little knives inside her gums - everyone says breastfeeding shouldn't hurt but I don't know how that's possible when someone is going to town like that 12 times a day, for about an hour at a time! More on life with a newborn in my next post...

Adam and I woke up on June 10th at 5am, after having slept pretty fitfully the night before. We were just so excited for what was coming - even though we really had no idea what to expect. We met Jenn and D'arcy at labour & delivery only to find out that we were bumped until 9am due to how busy the floor was. So we headed over to our OB's office which is also in the hospital to get checked out. Jenna's cervix was still pretty firm and long - they want it to be short and soft before induction (inductions tend to fail if the cervix isn't "ripe" as they term it). She decided Jenn needed a med called cervidel to ripen the cervix so we headed back to L&D to get that. Then they sent us home, told us to come back at 7:30pm unless she went into active labour before that.

We had a great mexican lunch and then headed back to Jenna & D'arcy's place for the afternoon. We watched Indiana Jones (#2), and napped here and there while we waited. Jenn sat on her exercise ball and tried to get things moving along. She started having contractions closer to 5-6pm and then L&D called and told us things were quiet there so we could head back in. We all knew this was it - in a few hours (hopefully) we would be holding our little girl.

Back at L&D Jenn was found to be 3cm dilated and her cervix was shortening - but not quite there yet. They let her labour on her own to try and move things along for about an hour and a half, and then Jenn and the OB decided to start her on a little pitocin (same stuff our bodies produce naturally to put us into labour) to speed things up. Did it ever! They started the pitocin at around 9:30pm and stopped it at 11:00 because Jenn's contractions were coming fast and furious. Jenna was committed to a natural childbirth and never once did she even talk about an epidural - she did it naturally with her other two and knew what to expect. Although the pitocin does make labour much harder much faster, she really hung in there. I was in awe of how she worked her way through labour - I don't know that I could have done that, truly.

Labour was INTENSE. There is truly no other word. Jenn walked around the halls for a bit while she could, and then spent about an hour in the birthing tub, but then the contractions were way too strong to do much of anything else but labour through them. D'arcy was amazing. He was right there by her side the entire time, doing exactly what she needed and quietly supporting her. We could not have done this without him - he had a calmness that was inspiring.

Our OB, and her resident, and the nurse, Liz, who was working with us, were all awesome. The reason we so wanted our OB to do this delivery was because of her disposition and her unbelievable care - she was always calm, even when the contractions were crazy and it felt like things were getting a little out of control. She supported Jenna through the whole process and helped her focus on what she needed to do to get this baby out.

After Jenn got to 6cm everything happened super fast. Before that there was an hour of super strenuous contractions - Adam and I felt pretty helpless. You begin to understand that there isn't much anyone can do - the woman giving birth has to do it all on her own. You can support her, and do whatever she asks (Adam and D'arcy did a lot of deep kneading on Jenna's back during the contractions), and give her shoutouts, but really, it's all up to her.

As soon as she passed that transition point things got very busy. I stripped down to my bra (don't worry, I did leave my pants on!) and got a chair right beside the bed so I was ready for the first skin-on-skin contact. And then she started coming out...

First everyone started talking about how much hair she had - did she ever! And then her head was out. It felt surreal, that this little head belonged to our little baby girl. We were all gathered around Jenna in this circle, the OB and resident and nurse all working in tandem to get the baby out and to help Jenna deliver her, me and Adam on one side watching the whole process, and D'arce on the other side supporting Jenn. It was truly the most intimate moment I've ever experienced. No birthing DVD can give you a sense for what that experience is like. I will never forget that moment.

And then suddenly, she was out. Jenna pushed for less than 10 minutes. It was June 11th @ 1:11am...I looked at Jenn and there was such a sense of contentment and relief on her face - all the stress had drained right out. I told her "thank you" through my tears - I don't think I really appreciated what a true and selfless gift this was until this very moment. I couldn't have loved my baby sister any more.

I got right on the bed with Jenn and they handed me Addison. She was gorgeous. While I held her, Adam cut the cord and D'arcy started taking a ton of pictures. I hadn't even thought of pictures of that moment so I'm so grateful he was documenting the moment for us. Then she had to get quickly checked before she was brought back to me for the first breastfeeding attempt. It went so great - she latched on like a champ! They say that first hour is when the baby is the most alert - her eyes were wide open and she was looking at me as she fed.

After we breastfeed, they did the other tests they had to do and then swaddled her up like a baby burrito. So cute! We all took turns holding her, and spent about an hour in the L&D room which they finished up with Jenn and we all had some bonding time.

I know there's probably more to say, and maybe I've already written too much, but I do have to close this post to go and feed my little one. I will say in closing that Adam and I are very grateful we had the opportunity to watch our little girl be born - this may be the only time we have a chance to do that, and I'm so glad we did. And I'm so glad to have shared it with Jenn and D'arce - it brought all of us even closer together. It closed the circle in such a beautiful way.

A few pictures!

Addie & Daddy


Having a nap - she's VERY good at this


Such a sweet little face


Big yawn! Yipee - we're going home!


Token car seat shot

And here's how she looked just over 2 days ago...on her birthday

Brand new baby girl

Adam cutting the cord


Our amazing OB, Dr. Loosely-Millman, and my hero of a sister, just after delivery


Addison's first bath - she didn't love it

***
We have about a million pics of this little one's arrival so I wanted to share a few - there will be many, many more posted over the next few days. That's the beauty of having your own blog - you can do whatever you want!

I still plan to write a longer post about the whole experience, but need to find a good down moment to do so. We have our hands pretty full at the moment : ) Jenna is doing really great and is feeling better and better. It's so cute to watch her with Addie - that bond is pretty special. And with D'arcy too - after all, they did spend 9 months with her!

We just had our first doctor's appointment and she's doing well - has gained an ounce since yesterday so that's good. The breastfeeding is working well, and she and I are just working through the kinks of getting a good latch. I have already had two leaking situations which are horrifying on the one hand ("oh that round wet circle on my shirt? Don't worry about it - just breastmilk!") but encouraging on the other. I'm hoping that as we progress, I can feed her exclusively. Nadine was over last night helping me with the feeding and it was a HUGE relief. She'll be back next week and in the meantime I'm going to try and get in to the Newman clinic.

My mom is coming to stay for a bit and help us out next week, which I'm really looking forward to. Always so nice to have a helping hand - even if it is just to have someone around.

As I'm looking at the photos from when she was first born, I can't believe how much she's already changed. Having a baby is such an amazing experience...how can anyone not want to do this? We feel pretty lucky to have this little girl in our lives.

More on all this later...

We're home!

Hey everyone -

Thank you SO much for all the well wishes and congrats - still can't believe she's really here.
Don't have a lot of time at the moment to post a lot of detail but just wanted to let you all know that we're doing really great. Addison is a feeding machine and is just the prettiest little baby (not that we're biased or anything!) She came out with a full head of hair and these perfect little rosebud lips...we're still trying to figure out exactly who she looks like. I think for the moment, she looks very much like her own little person. We'll post some pics as soon as we can.

We did go to the hospital early in the a.m. on June 10th, but we're sent home until 7:30 that evening because of how busy it was (all the active labours obviously take priority). Jenna was given a drug to soften up her cervix and by the time we got back at 7:30 she was already having contractions. They gave her a little bit of pitocin to get things moving a bit faster and only 5 1/2 hours later, Addison Mae arrived. Adam and I are in complete awe of Jenna, D'arcy and the whole medical team who worked with us. Jenna did such an amazing job - and pain drug-free no less! It was such an intimate, unbelievable experience to see her born - can't even describe it. All those videos they make you watch as part of the prenatal classes don't even come close to giving you a sense as to what it's really like. It was grueling for Jenn, and really tough to watch when there's just nothing you can do. D'arcy must be hands-down the best labour coach out there and was with Jenn every step of the way.

The moment she came out was unbelievable. I wish I could put it into words. There is nothing like it. For those of you about to experience this soon - get ready for it. It is about the coolest experience there is.

Ok, I have lots more to write but just not enough time. I have to pump, then we need to change her, then I'll need to feed her again, then we need to find some food...we're just going with the flow. It still feels bizarre that she's really ours, although less so now that we have her home : )
We are SUPER tired but SO VERY HAPPY to have our little girl Addie Mae.

Thanks again everyone - I will post again soon!
Karma

She's here!

See post under 'Last belly pics!'

1 day. 1 day. 1 day. I almost believe it...

Every time I look at the baby widget to the right I get nervous flutters in my stomach. 1 day to go. I'm starting to freak out a little (this is HUGE!). It's tomorrow - after all that we've been through, we are almost there. And I *almost* believe it. I know it should have sunk in by now, but I'm not sure it's going to feel real until we're holding our little girl.

I feel totally unprepared for what labour is really going to be like, despite having watched a bunch of videos and asking WAY too many questions of pretty much everyone I know. I think it's because the videos last like 10 minutes, whereas labour is closer to 10 hours generally. I hope it's shorter in our case, because I don't know if I can handle watching Jenna in pain for that long. That's going to be the hardest part for me tomorrow. I'm going to need to RELAX into it all and go with the flow. I'm such a planner that I wish I could know how it's all going to work in advance - never been good with surprises.

Now it isn't all nerves of course - mixed in with the anxiety is some serious excitement. It just depends on the moment for which emotion wins out! I've been told this is all totally normal, and I like hearing that I'm "normal." Adam is somewhat calmer than me (he always is), but he too is starting to feel the excitement and the nerves. I'm just focusing on everything going smoothly, and everyone doing great.

We're meeting Jenna and D'arcy at the hospital at 7am, which means a 4:45am wakeup call for us (we have to drop Quincy off at his best friends' Chopper and Gabby's house). I highly doubt either of us will be sleeping very well tonight. Depending on how busy things are, we'll either get started right away or we'll get bumped. Either way, everything will start tomorrow at some point but we can't predict exactly when. Hopefully sooner versus later!

As for our last weekend child-free, well, it wasn't exactly a weekend to remember but it was just fine. It was a pretty regular couple of days, with some errands and other such things mixed in. We had company Friday night (Adam's cousin), and then friends of ours were in town on Saturday night, and Adam had some work to do with Joon for the clinic, and I had more laundry to do...somehow the time just disappeared. We did have a nice dinner last night at the little pasta restaurant near our house - but we spent the whole dinner talking about BGB.
So it already begins : )

I wrote a post with BGB's name and my friend Krista is going to post it after the birth so you won't have to wait days to learn her name. I figured it was the least I could do after all the support you've all given us here. I promise to keep this blog going, for as long as it feels right, and as long as anyone is interested in reading. I sense this is going to be an amazing outlet for me in the future...

So this is my last post pre-baby. Adam and I will be parents within the next 48 hours, and we can't wait. And it's extra special that Adam will be a daddy for Father's day - what a wonderful gift for his first Father's day. Please send good vibes for an easy delivery for Jenna (as easy as possible) and for everyone to be healthy and happy when we get to the other end of this. I will be back on as soon as I can - hopefully by Thursday or Friday.

Thanks everyone for all the well wishes and positive thoughts.
Now let's go get our baby!

Last belly pics!

These are from 38 weeks (this past weekend) - I'm going to post again later tonight but wanted to get these up for people to enjoy! What a difference a few weeks makes : )



Here's the belly from 12 weeks...just for comparison.

Welcome to the world...

ADDISON MAE BROWN

(Nickname: Addie, or Addie Mae as we've been calling her!)

Born June 11, 2008 @ 1:11am 7lbs-2oz

Hope it was worth the wait!

I'll post our birth story when we get home in the next couple of days.
Thanks everyone - I have loved writing this blog, and loved reading all your comments. And don't worry, I have every intention of keeping it going for as long as I can : )
Karma, Adam & Addison

Let the *fun* begin!

The nursery-finally.

Just thought I'd post a few pics of the nursery, which is pretty much done. Still need a lamp and some family photos for the wall (going to do a wall of all her family who love her!), and of course the wood letters of her name for above the crib (can't put those up yet - don't want to ruin the surprise), but mostly we're there.

Pics I painted for BGB:

Her crib, minus her name, which will go up tomorrow night!

Can you believe all these clothes?!? It was practically a full-time job to wash and fold all these teeny-tiny clothes : )

Hope everyone had a great weekend!
Talk to you tomorrow - the day before it all begins...

Adam's BIG news!

Finally, after literally years of planning, Adam is venturing into the land of entrepreneurism. He and his business partner, Joon, are opening their own physiotherapy clinic downtown Toronto hopefully by mid-July!

This has been a huge undertaking, and means he's left his nice and stable job, but there's no time like the present to take this on. Now of course, the timing is *interesting*...one could also use the words "not the best" seeing as I'm also going to be off work.

For the past three years as we were trying to get pregnant, and Adam and Joon worked tirelessly dreaming about what this clinic could be, I asked over and over, "Please promise me these two events will NOT happen simultaneously." I just knew it was all going to happen at once - the best laid plans rarely stay that way.

So now we're starting a clinic AND a family within the same 3-week period. Awesome. ARE WE CRAZY?!? It doesn't get more stressful than that. However, I know we can do it. We have a strong relationship. We've been through tougher stuff in the past. I married a very smart man who has this opportunity to build something from the ground up. Not many people get to do that - or are willing to take the risk to do that. We will have an interesting year, but in some ways I'm really looking forward to the challenge of making this work. Things will not be boring!

BGB will be very proud of her daddy. This isn't going to be easy, but it is going to be an adventure. So if anyone sprains an ankle running on the waterfront, or cranks their neck/back playing golf this summer, or has a lingering shoulder injury that flares up during a tennis game...I know a GREAT physiotherapy clinic!

Our DNA has been captured.

Adam and I went today to have our DNA testing done. Just to recap for those who maybe haven't been here since the beginning, we (me, Adam, Jenna and BGB) all need to have our DNA tested to prove parentage. The law will view Jenna as the birth mother, well, because she's the one who actually gave birth. Currently Adam and I have no standing in the eyes of the law, which is why we need to have the DNA tests done to prove we're the biological mother and father. Once we have those results, they go with our contract and a lawyer in front of a judge so BGB's birth certificate has our names on it.

The DNA test itself is super easy - they just take four swabs from the inside of your cheek. But the process surrounding the test...well, there are a few more steps involved. For the three adults in this scenario, we get our cheeks swabbed, they send those down to the lab in the U.S., and we get our results mailed to us within 4 weeks I think. For BGB, our OB has to collect cord blood with a special kit (which I hear is also super easy...if you're a doctor and have access to the cord of course) and that gets sent away for testing to the same lab. They compare all our results, and we get the declaration of parentage. Whew. All this to prove that we are in fact BGB's parents (as if there was any doubt!)

The clinic where they did the test today looked like it had just been put together yesterday, in a hurry. One of the least friendly-looking medical clinics I've ever been to. There were fluorescent lights, cheap chairs, an old Sunquest travel brochure for reading material, and one random (fake) plant hanging from the ceiling. But the woman who did our tests was great and chatted my ear off. Adam said she barely said a word to him. She must be a girl's girl.

Anyway, after they did the test and filled out a bunch of paperwork, they took fingerprints for I.D. security purposes and then a picture of Adam and me. We were holding our file number, #709403, on a piece of paper in front of us while we smiled for the polaroid. Felt a bit like a mug shot, especially because I still had black ink remnants on my thumb. I guess they've had issues in the past with DNA not matching up to the original file...anyway, it was an interesting experience. Jenna has to go and do the same, and then we're almost there.

I also just finished my second to last day of work before my parental leave. In other to-do list news, I put BGB on a daycare list today (just one, and I'm a little late doing this, so I'm not holding my breath for a spot); the car seat is in the car; quincy is getting lots of attention before he has a little sister; the house is *relatively* clean and tidy. Now we wait. Four days to go...

Hope everyone is enjoying this super hot Friday.
Talk to you tomorrow!

Five days to go...how to spend the time?

So we have 5 days to go...actually, really only 4 before the *BIG* day. I'm left wondering what we *should* be doing...it seems like such a waste to just be passing time, you know?

Our house is as ready as it's going to get - there's always more to do and despite the fact that I cleaned this past weekend, it feels like I need to clean again. Or at least tidy. But then I think, why? I'll get it all clean and tidy and then BAM. BGB will arrive and there will be STUFF EVERYWHERE. So maybe I'll just clean off surfaces, scrub a toilet or two, and call it a day. I've heard I'm about to enter a phase where the house never feels really clean or tidy, and that I just need to "get over it." So I think I'll start this weekend : )

I feel like Adam and I need to get some last minute, husband-and-wife time in (I'm talking dinners here folks, not the other stuff some of you might be thinking. Have to keep this blog clean...my inlaws are reading!) I feel like I should get a haircut, go grocery shopping to stock up, cook a few batches of spaghetti sauce for the freezer (did I mention there's hardly any room in there with all the bags of frozen breastmilk?), call everyone I love just to chat without a screaming baby in the background, go on walks and hold hands, drink a bottle of wine and watch a movie - from beginning to end -, have one last super romantic dinner out, and wake up without an alarm clock both Saturday and Sunday.

Anyone out there have any "last-minute-before-baby" suggestions? And I'm looking for something more interesting than "go to sleep...right now."

Thanks in advance : )

By this time next week...

WE WILL BE PARENTS!

Our OB has decided to induce Jenna next Tuesday, so BGB's birthday will be June 10th!
I know - everyone wants to know "Why induce?" Well, there are a few reasons:

1. BGB was 7lb last week, and babies generally put on 1/2lb per week, so by the time we reached her due date...well, she could be about an 8.5lb baby. Not good for Jenn, who has delivered two, under 7lb babies. The bigger the baby, the greater the chance for complications. I also think our OB is thinking about my poor baby sister, pushing out a much-bigger-than-she's-ever-pushed-out baby, and I'm very appreciative (it helps a little with my guilt)
   
2. She's moving around significantly less than she was because she's running out of room, and decreased movement is one reason to induce.
3. Our OB is on call on June 10th - this is a huge relief to us, because we REALLY wanted her to deliver BGB. We're not exactly the "normal" scenario, and we all feel really comfortable with our OB - I also think she wants to be the doctor to deliver us, which works very well for us.
   

So there you have it folks. We have a birthday, which five years ago was her first day in the freezer : )

Now there's a bit of a scramble as I try to wrap work up nearly two weeks early (my last day will be June 9th now instead of the 20th), and we do the last minute stuff around here. Luckily we're feeling pretty organized, although there's always something *else* that could be done.

On another note, I definitely will NOT be up to 13oz by Tuesday so I might have to do some negotiation...

Hope everyone is having a great day. *Talk* to you tomorrow.

My pumping incentive...

Not sure if everyone knows what a "push present" is, but essentially it's a gift given to the mom, from the dad, after she delivers the baby. Now I know I'm not going to be doing the pushing, but thanks to my sweet husband, I'm still getting a gift (I've been calling it my "pumping present"). Don't worry, we have a little something for Jenna as well - which is more fitting seeing as she will ACTUALLY be doing all the hard work : )

We picked out my present this past weekend (yoga pants and a light sweatshirt from lulu.lemon - can't help it...I love the way-too-trendy-overpriced lulu.lemon) and it's packed away in our hospital bag. I can't wait to wear it, mostly because that means BGB will be here!

So Adam sweetened the deal last night (he knows me so well) by announcing that if I pump 13oz a day before BGB gets here, I can get one more thing (there was another sweater/wrap thing I was coveting). For those who don't know me, I'm always up for a good challenge. Calling me "uber competitive" is somewhat of an understatement. I've been known to take people out during a just-for-fun musical chairs challenge...it's a bit of a problem.

I'm currently pumping anywhere between 8-9oz per day, so getting to 13oz seems tough. I don't feel like I can pump anymore than I am, and if I drink another glass of water, or eat another bowl of oatmeal, I may lose it (not a fan of water and I've never in my life drank so much water). But now that it's a sort of competition, I've got to go all out. I'll keep you posted if I get there...send me good pumping vibes please!

*Sidebar note: Obviously I'll be thrilled to be pumping 13oz a day because I'll be much closer to my goal of being able to exclusively breastfeed BGB - the extra gift is just a nice byproduct : )

In other news, we have our OB appointment tomorrow morning so I'll post an update when I'm back home later in the afternoon.

Hope you're all enjoying your Tuesday!